Relationships in Quarantine

[Phoebe]

I was reading this article because the authors are widely regarded as experts in Happiness. (Imagine my sardonic smirk here, please, because I've read a lot of "profundity" by them on this topic that did not strike me as terribly profound.) Now they are here to help us have more positivity and less negativity in our relationships, during the present times of sudden greater proximity. For example, please keep the negative to less than 20% - that's their prescribed formula. Four good deeds are needed to balance out a bad. Don't ask what happens if the bad one is big, or a good one really lingers on your mind. This is math, this is Science!

(My premier relationship partner immediately drew the inference that if he did eight nice things for me, he could then get away with two bad ones scot free. So much for the theory, nitwits! They also caution against overpromising and thereby disappointing people. Lol, these men. Sorry, not all men, but These Men, lol! If you just don't promise anything, then that one time you take out the garbage is like surprise instant gold!)

Anyway, that's not why I bring it to you. Nor am I here to report the earth shattering insight of the article's conclusion, that couples in relationships will grow during this time - get this - either Together or Apart. Hm.

No, I just wanted to relate an item that struck me as HILARIOUS! They mention, as an example of working on Bringing the Positivity, a man friend of theirs:
"A friend of ours keeps his wife’s faults in perspective by taping a message to his bathroom mirror: You’re no bargain either."
Can you imagine the warm fuzzies you'd feel if you saw that message taped to your partner's mirror and had the misfortune to investigate it further? Oh honey, you would coo sympathetically, of COURSE you're a bargain - like Pete Townshend or somebody says, indeed the best bargain I ever had! And your sweetie would look you dead in the eye and explain, no, don't worry, that's just what I tell myself to get some much-needed perspective on YOUR faults! LOL!!!

I love these "happiness experts", OMG, I normally feel vaguely silly and useless but when I read this stuff I realize I must be a bigger genius than even Trump! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out what 20% naughty my housemate might be planning!

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/arch ... ne/608830/

[Phoebe]

Okay, here's the 20%: I am entreated to "scratch his Covid beard". No. It itches when you grow in a new beard, apparently. How is this my responsibility when I don't even like beards? (Phone called it "bards" and I almost left it...)

End point: I am using a two foot long wooden scratcher (you know the type like a fake teeny hand?) to rake my husband's face, because I refuse to touch it with my hand. He loves it. It's like petting a giant unruly cat with a stick. We aren't even supposed to touch our own faces! Nobody warned me this is what middle age brings. The happiness experts ain't said *&$# to explain this. They know nothing of the true depth and nuance of life.

[akiva]

[Tahlvin]

Akiva, you are worthy of and deserving of love, including loving thyself.

As for the article and the friend needing to put a note on his mirror: c'mon, man! Any emotionally mature adult should know how interpersonal relationships function. If they are expecting a perfect partner, and have to write themselves a note reminding them that they are imperfect themselves, then that's a sign they are an asshole in general. I appreciate the intended point, to a degree, but the implementation just screams inconsiderate prick, in my opinion. And I say this as someone who worked for over 8 years with a husband/wife team that were around each other almost 24/7, and as someone who personally has worked from home and been in the same house as my wife almost 24/7 for the past 9 years as of Thursday this week. What it takes is empathy, to be able to put yourself in the other person's shoes, and to spend as much time thinking about how you can be considerate to your partner and what you can do for them, as the amount of time you spend thinking about what your partner can do for you and wishing your partner were considerate of your needs. And if you can't do that without writing a passive-aggressive, physical cue that would potentially offend your partner if they happened to read it, then you need to spend some more time emotionally maturing.

Seriously, it's been around for thousands of years: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or in the words of Wil Wheaton: Don't be a dick.

[Phoebe]

[Phoebe]

[akiva]

[Ronster]

Well, weekend at home #1 is complete. my wife and I "negotiated" over what we wanted to do.
-retaining wall site excavated, blocks laid, gravel and dirt moved to fill in
-back yard tilled and raked
-both areas sown in grass and covered with wheat straw
-back is still recovering

logged some time playing Betrayal at House on the Hill and some Fallout4

[Phoebe]

Ooo, you accomplished so much! I have given myself permission to take advantage of the favorable weather and get things done around the house and yard, instead of stressing about 100 different things in 100 different directions, and the result has been good.

[Phoebe]

I guess this thread can be reused even though this is about a completely different article now:

This piece is so confused... The thesis appears to be that she is concerned singles and couples are somehow being driven apart in their friendships because of their different living situations. Then she says all sorts of weird things implying that her coupled friends are supposed to be psychically aware of her needs and experiences. They may not ask questions that happen to strike her as inherently judgy, but should respond pre-emptively with the requisite level of support and validation - happy that she's alone, yet sympathetic to any possible unhappiness she has about being alone without suggesting that she should have any such unhappiness. However, she seems to realize that such judgments about other people's intentions are probably not a good idea. Maybe the thesis of the essay should be changed to something more like, "second-guessing our friends' intentions in a negative way is probably not good for the friendship, and this is true regardless of what kind of relationship or lack of relationship they are in!" Or: "Let's give our friends the benefit of the doubt before getting pissed off at them for no good reason!" Maybe I'm just touchy on the subject, who knows.

However, I read the piece because the general subject is very interesting to me. I've been having some video conferences with people who are both quarantining together with a partner, and quarantining very much alone for a long time. It's hard on both in different ways sometimes, but I am particularly worried about the ones who are alone, particularly older people or those whose health conditions make them more vulnerable to suffering the worst effects of covid, or just generally being sick from some other reason but not having access to people who can take care of them. I spend about 90% of my time taking care of other people, and though I'm probably not the greatest nurse, it puts you in a frame of mind to be very worried about people who seem to need to have someone to take care of them but do not have such a person. Or even people like my parents who are couples, yet face difficulties in taking care of one another without some additional outside help. There are so many people in this situation; how are they getting by? And this is all before thinking about any financial pressures they might be under. I need to stop thinking about these things because it's making the headache worse.

[bralbovsky]

China reported a spike in divorce filings.
All but three of my hundred or so students are tired of this game and want to go back to campus.
They're getting on their parents' nerves and ...

Virtually all of the people I'm in touch with have adjusted their living capacities, by which I mean, folks in too crowded apartments went home to Mom's basement, and folks living solo moved in with the out-of-town fiance (remote work made this possible).
Meanwhile, my brother is thrilled to have his kids back home. The temporarily full nest is very gratifying to him.

It irritates me tremendously that in order to fill broadcast minutes (also magazine inches) writers attempt to generalize and box folks in as a substitute for insight. (Pardon my generalization of journalists, lol)

Huge stress or trauma makes some people fold inward, some people reach out. No insight there.
It causes things that are cracked to break. If Frank and Alice only remain married because Frank's at the bar and Alice is at church, taking those escapes away might just be the end, or might turn back the clock. From outside, it's really tough to tell what's going to happen.

Happiness is tough to measure, like everything else it's partly internal and partly environmental. I heard, in teacher training, that the ratio was ten to one. Ten attaboys erased one scolding. Having said that, apparently if you swat your hawk once during training, even unintentionally, it will never trust you again. We are bags of sloppy chemicals all doing the best we can.

[Phoebe]

Certainly true for dogs. An accidental negative experience can take so long to overcome. I certainly would never intentionally provide a negative experience to a puppy - I know some people do but it's crazy. I mean those situations where you are mad about something unrelated to the dog, like you find something spilled on the floor that shouldn't be there, but the puppy who is tuned to your every twitch thinks that it's his fault. Then you have to be very patient and get through that with all the positive reinforcement in the world.

Anyway, it's also true that dealing with adversity together can help people seal a crack, or that this can go back and forth depending on circumstances. I think my parents might be going through a little bit of that where the normal pressures on them that are outside of their control feel more oppressive than usual, when there's no one else to turn to and they can't even see me. But then the strange circumstances cause them to dig down to past experiences they've had dealing with adversity, and they draw together in solidarity over it. So far they are in lockstep agreement that I am making poor grocery choices for them if left to my own devices: my lettuces are too fancy, my sauces are too mild, and I should be buying the version that is $0.40 cheaper rather than making arbitrary decisions about "higher quality".

I feel so bad for students who are having to deal with this at a time of life when it truly seems far more important for them to have a variety of social interactions with one another. Like I can be amused watching my neighbors play badminton, which suffices for a week's worth of social interaction, but the kids actually need to hang out with other kids or it's going to affect their brain development.